I’m Digging You…

Men, men, men! Remember when I called y’all like that? What is going on with y’all? Huh? I have spoken with SO many women about this that I know many will agree with what I’m about to say: Why does it seem like guys of nowadays have lost the zest, drive, and most importantly, the ability to chase!!! And when I say chase, I mean tastefully pursue a woman? What is going on? Some might say it’s because guys can get the milk without buying the cow so they don’t bother (Hmmm). Others might say women of these days are intimidating (YAWN) and as one of my friends would say “The hunter has become the hunted” (LOL). What do you say? What happened to those days when guys really went after a woman –tastefully – and wooed her, made her feel special, and made it very CLEAR that he wanted them to be more than just friends. ‘Cause you know there’s that too! Guys, not being clear about their intentions and women being confused. You remember one of my favorite quotes “If he likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you be confused.”  *sigh*

So, what about when guys decide to chase, it seems they fall into two categories: the lazy chaser and the aggressive chaser. I was speaking with a friend the other day and we were talking about how some guys get it right and others are just too extreme. She then said something that got me thinking. She said she was having the same conversation with her sister who said “what do women want sef?” i.e. how would they like to be chased? And that got me thinking so, I described to my friend what a nice way to be chase looked like.*

Anyways, lemme explain what the two extreme kinds of guys do:

-          The Lazy Chaser: This is the dude that meets you and immediately or shortly after, he asks for your BB pin, which he does nothing with i.e. he adds you on BB and doesn’t or hardly ever chats with you, which would be fine if he called BUT he doesn’t do that either. Ugh. Then occasionally, he’ll check up on you (via BB) and maybe ask two months later if you wanna hang out. Why on earth would anyone say yes to that? He hasn’t shown her in any way that he’s really interested. He barely chats on BB and doesn’t call. Guys, my advice: When you meet a girl for the first time, RESIST the temptation to ask for her BB pin. It WILL make you lazy even if you weren’t lazy before. Remember what I had to say about this a while ago… (I thought I was being harsh on that post seeing as we are in a technology-driven world but nah, I still maintain that if a guy likes you enough, he WILL call you!) The lazy chaser basically doesn't do much chasing at all.

-          The Aggressive Chaser: This is the dude that starts to freak the woman out with his incessant phone calls, weird “checking up on you messages” at odd hours, maybe showing up unannounced, etc. This is a guy who chases a woman almost literally and she starts to wonder what he wants. It starts to feel like it’s not about her anymore but maybe it’s about winning in his mind. His approach doesn’t make a woman feel special. It makes her feel like an object. Guys, no matter how much you like a woman, even if you are beside yourself, chill out. A woman wants to be chased in a tasteful, thoughtful, delightful manner not in an aggressive manner.

I think the guy who gets it right is in the middle of the extremes. I don’t believe in playing games when you like a woman. I believe in being clear about your feelings and intentions and to me, a nice, tasteful way to chase a woman goes something like this:

*After you meet her and get her phone number NOT her BB pin, call the next day to say hey and that it was nice to meet her. Keep it short and sweet but not abrupt. Then lay low, if you like, for a couple of days, then call again to say hi and check on her to see how her week’s been going. If you have her email, send her an email a day or two later and then a few days after that, ask to meet for drinks or coffee. You’re not pushing it but you're there – at the top of her mind. You’re remaining memorable. If it’s going well and she's responsive, keep this pattern up for a few, after which, she would probably start to initiate a few calls. This is all with the intention of getting to KNOW her better. Move on to other types of "dates" and see where this approach takes you. *sigh* If only I was a guy! Chai, I’d be a great “chaser”, albeit a shy one. Lol.

I have heard guys give all kinds of reasons for why they don’t chase like they used to e.g. they’ve had bad experiences, they’ve been rejected, etc. It ain’t easy being a guy, I know but c’mon, you gotta do what you gotta do to get what you really want! And like one of my friends said: “No great risk, no great reward”.

By the way, there’s this REALLY, REALLY, REALLLY,REALLY (Ok, you get the point) neat song called “Dig You” by Kevin Whalum! GO AND GET IT!!!! #NuffSaid It’s about a guy chatting up a girl and if I was the girl, I think I would break tradition and call the brotha!!!

Don't miss out on The Love Chest GIVEAWAY!!! Click here to stand a chance to WIN!!!!!

Should I Marry My Best Friend?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. You know they say “marry your friend”, yeah?  I even talked about that a while ago. But people also say marry your best friend. I mean look at the quote above!  “Happiness is being married to your best friend”.  Ahhh, what does that mean??? How do you define a “best friend”? The dictionary couldn’t tell me. And I have tons of questions:

-          What makes a person your best friend?

-          What if you don’t have a best friend, who do you then marry?

-          How long does it take to make a best friend?

-          What if your best friend wants to marry someone else, what do you do? (e.g. The movie “My Best Friend’s Wedding”, which I absolutely loved and I’ll say it again, I wanted him to marry Julia Roberts’ character!!! *sigh*).

I believe friendship is the FOUNDATION of marriage but how deep/long does the friendship have to be before you tie the knot? They say you can never know all there is to know about a person before you marry them – but hopefully by God’s grace, you’ll know enough. So at what point do you say you are enough of friends to take it to the next level?

I always say there is no formula for finding love and that’s why you meet couples that met and married within six months to a year of meeting each other! That is, from the first time they EVER met to the day they got married was about a year! It wasn’t that they were childhood friends who drifted apart and found each other later. No, they didn’t know each other and in some cases they had no mutual friends. They just met and after one year, they were married. SCARY!!! I mean, how do you know a person enough within that short amount of time to decide to marry them? Hey but I guess it’s not the quantity (how long you’ve known each other) but quality of the friendship that matters, right? So, what helps you make that decision? Is it a gut feeling thing? Do you just know that you know that you know that you know that this is the person? Or do you take a chance and decide that you know enough at that time and you will develop a stronger friendship as you go along?

This brings up even more questions! Lol. And please, I wanna know what you guys think.

-          How important is it that the person you marry is your best friend? Can you just marry your friend? Is the title necessary? Does it just complicate things?

-          Are there cases when your best friend should remain just that? That is, is it by force to marry your best friend??

-          If you don’t marry your best friend, is it ok to have a best friend of the opposite gender after you get married?

-          Must your spouse be or become your best friend before/after marriage?

Again, I strongly believe that friendship – TRUE friendship – should be the foundation of marriage and I guess your spouse can rise up to the challenge of becoming your best friend over time but are we getting too hung up on titles? Should we just marry our friend and get on with it?

What say ye?

WIN! WIN!! WIN!!! Click here to stand a chance to win The Love Chest GIVEAWAY!!!

Pictures courtesy of squidoo.com and balloons-galore.net

“I’ll Just Say It…I LOVE YOU”

There’s this REALLY nice song by a guy called MOSA called #IllJustSayIt. He’s basically telling the girl that they’ve been friends for a long time and even though he doesn’t want to risk what they have he has to get it off his chest and say how he feels. Then he tells her he loves her! My explanation doesn’t do this song justice!! I love it!

Recently, I was thinking that we could all sometimes use a little "just saying it" time and I figured we could do it here!! You know when you really like someone, sometimes you just wanna tell somebody even if you can't tell them. So, my question is: If you could, what would you tell the person you like right now? Act as if the person was standing in front of you and nothing was holding you back then SAY IT!!! (Leave your responses in the comment section) Get it off your chest and see how you feel afterwards. Hehe.

By the way, here are some responses I got when I asked the question not too long ago:

~ Actually I have 2-part [answer]: I like you and I wanna get to know YOU, not the air around you!

~ That I want him to become a true Christian. Basically no matter how great our connection is, there will always be that fundamental divide

~ I will say [XYZ]… convince me that you don’t need to test drive before buying the car cos no one is getting in this driver’s seat until we say “I do”

~ You’re the most impressionable person I’ve seen ever… A day out with you would bring me the feeling of a lifetime achievement…

So, go ahead! Let it out! Don't be shy, don't be scared! Happy "Just Saying It"! :)

P.S. The Love Chest GIVEAWAY is on right now!!!! Click here to stand a chance to win!!!

The Love Chest Giveaway!!!

Hey y'all,

Ok, so it's time for that giveaway! YAY!!!

To stand a chance to win these really nice items, please answer the following questions in the comment section:

1.  In the post titled "Which One Are You?" I described two types of women. Name the two types of women described in that post.

2. I've talked about the top 5 reasons why you're still single. What are the reasons?

3. I talked about a "Very Deep Question" in a post. What's the question?

All the best! I look forward to selecting a winner!!



Please Note:
- I was going to publish your responses as I get them but that would give away the answers so I'll publish them just before I announce the winner ;)

- Everyone with the correct answers will enter a draw then a winner will be picked

- You must reside in Nigeria to participate :)

Love is Not a Fight: Mars and Venus Must Unite!

Love is not a fight

Mars and Venus must unite!

Love is not a fight

Mars and Venus must unite!

Love is not a fight

Mars and Venus must unite!

Love is not a fight

Mars and Venus must unite!

This is my new chant! I talked about this a while ago and I wanna go there again. Ladies and gentlemen, we are on the same side. Yes! Men and women are on the same side. We are supposed to be fighting for love not in love. We are supposed to be fighting to enjoy love in all her splendor and glory! We are supposed to be fighting to grow in love. Am I saying we are not all fighting for love? No, but I am saying that from my observations and conversations, men and women seem to have a hard to understanding each other and this affects our ability to truly love one another.

I think we have really complicated this thing called LOVE. Is it really that hard to love someone? It can’t be. It shouldn’t be. I honestly think with a little patience and understanding, love can truly be a beautiful thing. I saw a tweet the other day that said: Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. How true! It really does seem like people who say they are in love are actually in war. Why?? I don’t want to be with someone so I can fight him all the time. I want to be with someone so I can love him all the time and vice versa. And I believe it is possible.

You’ve heard that men are from Mars and women are from Venus – basically highlighting how different we are in how we think, etc. Men say women are complicated, women say men are not emotional. Guys say women are over-analytical, women say men are insensitive. Guys say…you get my point. Some of these things are true, some are not. Whatever the case, I think our differences make life more interesting and if we just take time to understand each other better and “speak” each other’s languages, love would truly be beautiful – not a walk in the park ‘cause understanding takes work but it would be beautiful. Afterall, as the song says, “practice makes perfect sense when it comes to love.” 

So, how do we understand each other better?? Well, first of all, we need to ask more questions. We assume WAY too much about the opposite gender and most times our assumptions are false. And because we are so certain our assumptions are correct, we interact based on those assumptions and that is a recipe for a stressful relationship. We can’t read each other’s minds. We don’t have all the information necessary to understand why a person does what they do BUT we can ASK. If you're a single guy, ask your female friends questions and vice versa. At the February edition of Conversations & Cocktails*, I wanted us to try to get to know/understand the opposite gender a little better so it was a Q & A session. The guys asked the ladies questions and vice versa. I really feel like we all left there feeling like we UNDERSTOOD the opposite gender just a little bit better! It was great! Here is one of the questions that really got people talking:

Question for the guys: Why do they sulk and maintain a moody silence when they can easily tell us what’s wrong?

Answer: Sometimes guys are quiet because they don’t think women can handle the truth. If a guy is quiet, the woman can say to him she understands that he doesn’t want to talk about it now but she will ask again in a few hours and when he’s ready to talk about it, she will be all ears. [This is certainly a better option than joining in the silent treatment game thinking that his silence has something to do with you when it doesn’t.]

So, let’s start loving (better) and stop fighting. Remember that Tweet: Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. We are on the same side y’all! Your husband or wife is NOT the enemy!! He/she is the one you love!

If you have chosen to love someone, choose to understand them as well so you can truly love them. Also, don’t assume, communicate. Ask questions. Share your thoughts. If he does something and you can’t wrap your mind around it, ladies, don’t bottle it up – this the man you love! – ask him to explain. Apply wisdom. Don’t nag, speak. Guys, when your woman is in a “mood”, ask her what’s up and when she says “nothing”, don’t dismiss it. Try to get it out of her. Apply wisdom. This is your queen – the woman you love! Also, explain your actions to us so we don’t misinterpret you.

The list of things we can do to understand each other and thereby love each other better, goes on and on. I wanna hear from you guys, what other things can we do to understand the opposite gender better?

Remember:

LOVE IS NOT A FIGHT. MARS AND VENUS MUST UNITE! #TheLoveChest :)

And it starts with each of us!

P.S. Come back soon cos the next post is that giveaway I talked about a while ago. Yay!!!

*Conversations & Cocktails is a monthly networking event  I host in the city of Lagos to bring people together for a chilled evening of good conversation and great company. Attendees make new friends, establish new business contacts, and just enjoy healthy, intellectual discourse. It’s always an evening well spent.

Happily Ever After…

I was chatting with a single, male friend the other day and we got talking about marriage. The basic gist was that marriage is not for kids and it seems that very few people are actually happy in their marriages – at least that was my friend’s general point of view. But you know me, hopeful romantic, my view was that there are many happy marriages but we just don’t hear their stories enough.  

Our conversation got me thinking: What makes a marriage TRULY happy? Like, what makes two married people feel like their marriage is one of the best things that has happened to them? Is it few arguments? Money in the bank? Great sex? Is it something one of them is doing or something both of them are doing or not doing as the case may be? What does a happy marriage look like? The flip side is when a person feels they are not happy in their marriage, what is lacking/what do they want/what do they wish they had?

You’ve probably heard people say we are responsible for our own happiness so my question is how much of a role do we play in determining the happiness of our marriage? How responsible are we for our marital bliss? Is our marital bliss something we give or something we get? I remember a quote/tweet that said something to the effect of in marriage, we must focus on what we can do and not on what the other person isn’t doing. That is such a powerful statement. Imagine if you and your spouse/spouse-to-be  feel/live that way? How can we take responsibility for our happily ever after?

All of this makes me wonder what we think marriage is or should be. When we are getting married, what are we expecting? I think every couple should have the why-are-we-getting-married conversation. Do we have unrealistic expectations for marriage? Do we have expectations at all? Have we discussed those expectations with our spouse/spouse-to-be as the case may be? Are expecting too much or too little? Are we both clear on what a (our) marriage is/should be? Have we talked about it to make sure we are on the same page? Do we have a vision for our marriage? (I saw a tweet recently that said we should have a vision for marriage. That’s powerful! Just as we have visions for our business, career, and life) What do we both want from our marriage or are we gonna play it by ear?  Are we asking the tough questions before we say “I Do”? So many questions…

A while ago, I talked about a book I was reading and how the authors said it is important to ask each other to complete the following sentences:

A husband is…

A wife is…

A marriage is…

I honestly think that completing those sentences and comparing notes might shock you and help you reevaluate (if necessary).

If you’re single and reading this, what are your expectations for marriage? What do you want your marriage to do for you? But MOST importantly, what do you hope your input in your marriage will do for your marriage and spouse? Have you ever thought of it that way?

I’ve just been thinking lately about what it means to have a happy marriage/be happy in marriage and it makes me wonder how much of that responsible lies with me and what kinds of conversations I should be having with my fiancé before we get married. I honestly think we are each responsible for our marital bliss. If we want to be happy in our marriage, we must be happy individuals but we must also strive to contribute to our spouse’s happiness. I think that’s what makes a marriage happy.  It is an act of selflessness that is VERY difficult to master but can be done.

So, what do you guys think? Married folk, I’d love to hear from you, what makes a (your) marriage happy and how much of that responsible is ours as individuals? Single folk, what do you think would

make you happy in your marriage?

P.S. I’ve been having issues responding to comments and I hope to get it resolved soon. I say that to say I really appreciate your comments and I have not been ignoring them! :)



Picture courtesy of fengyangenglish.blogspot.com

Match-Making Tips

I was invited recently to a show on ONTV to share some match-making tips! So if you have two friends that you think would be great for each other, here's what I think you should - and should not do. Check it out! :)