Which One Are You?
I was having a chat with someone the other day and at some point he asked me a question, one that a lot of single women get asked many times and one for which we have a subconsciously rehearsed answer. Check out our chat below:
Guy: When are we coming to your wedding to chop jollof rice or are you going to be loving love until the end of time?
Me: Awwwww! Soon by God’s grace, once my good man comes along :D
Guy: [And this is where it gets deep] Hmm! I have heard countless women say that every day for a long time. Some are in their lates forties. Good men don’t come along. They are not hidden somewhere. They are already in the same environs. Science cannot be applied to a human activity that is an art. Broadly, there are two women: “Relationship Women” and “Complicated Women”. Some women naturally gravitate towards a relationship and instinctively know how to navigate the dating process, identify suitable partners while weeding out the unsuitable, and skillfully manage the journey towards a monogamous relationship. These “Relationship Girls” know what they need, what they have to offer, and if you talk to them, it’s usually quite sensible stuff. Then, there are the “Complicated Women”. Always a doubt, a question, a hesitation. Nobody’s funny enough, smart enough, or cool enough. It never feels quite right for them and with them. We all go through our phases of being complicated and dating complicated people too. But some never come out of it. It becomes their way of life and they don’t realize it. The point? Know which one you are. That said, marriage is not for everyone. It is not the be all and end all. In many cases, being single and contended can be so much better than being miserable with the wrong spouse.
He made REALLY good points! So ladies, honestly ask yourself which one you are. Any thoughts on what he said?
Guys, what do you think?
Guy: When are we coming to your wedding to chop jollof rice or are you going to be loving love until the end of time?
Me: Awwwww! Soon by God’s grace, once my good man comes along :D
Guy: [And this is where it gets deep] Hmm! I have heard countless women say that every day for a long time. Some are in their lates forties. Good men don’t come along. They are not hidden somewhere. They are already in the same environs. Science cannot be applied to a human activity that is an art. Broadly, there are two women: “Relationship Women” and “Complicated Women”. Some women naturally gravitate towards a relationship and instinctively know how to navigate the dating process, identify suitable partners while weeding out the unsuitable, and skillfully manage the journey towards a monogamous relationship. These “Relationship Girls” know what they need, what they have to offer, and if you talk to them, it’s usually quite sensible stuff. Then, there are the “Complicated Women”. Always a doubt, a question, a hesitation. Nobody’s funny enough, smart enough, or cool enough. It never feels quite right for them and with them. We all go through our phases of being complicated and dating complicated people too. But some never come out of it. It becomes their way of life and they don’t realize it. The point? Know which one you are. That said, marriage is not for everyone. It is not the be all and end all. In many cases, being single and contended can be so much better than being miserable with the wrong spouse.
He made REALLY good points! So ladies, honestly ask yourself which one you are. Any thoughts on what he said?
Guys, what do you think?
This is even more so striking for me because I was just saying to a friend the other day that most of my friends who are married now are people who had always dated and been in and out of relationships.
ReplyDeleteThe ones who haven't really had a previous relationship are the ones who seem to remain single year in year out; waiting for this imaginary 'perfect' guy.
There's too much sense to this categorization and I find myself so convicted by it.
I think this is an unfair characterisation. It sounds like he saying that if you haven't had a million boyfriends and been in and out of a zillion relationships, something must be wrong with you.And he's basically saying one should settle. I don't believe there's any complicated or relationship anything. Some people are lucky enough to find the one. Some aren't. End of story. It's unfair to blame women.
DeleteBloody 'ell your friend is a genius. So spot on! After a while you just have to pick a guy, one that shows enough interest and makes you laugh and you can be comfortable with. Too many single ladies around, making my life MORE difficult! Gaaah! lol
ReplyDeleteOur economic situation in this country especially has made settling down with a partner a cumbersome decision to make. so many young people do not have thier financial future secured except for few who were born with silver spoons and some who have by stroke of luck and/or hardwork worked their way to the top. and even at that, some of us keep seeing 'and rightly so' the other person as 'gold diggers'. Trust has been eroded completely because we all just one way or the other want comfort and every good thing money can buy in a relationship and especially when we are married. you dont have to agree with my point but it is a critical factor. Our marriage culture is still valid and valued but we all seem confused when trying to make up our minds whether we are to just love without holding back or hold out for that'person' who will lift our 'societal'status.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteApeksha, this is Africa, where the society still considers 'settling down' as a form of fulfilment and if we all want to be frank here, most young ladies in our society have same opinion and most times put themselves under undue pressure. so. 'being single and contented' might just be a mere talk.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many women in Africa who "settled down" for which the hum of the refrigerator has become their constant companion, after years of bringing up their children while their husband was busy philandering away. Commitment causes some types of individuals, particularly Nigerian men, to think they can treat you badly. In such circumstances, which are plentiful, it is arguably better to have stayed single, had children if so wished, and be emotionally stable. It is time to stop pretending this isn't true.
ReplyDeleteIn the old days, when people died at 50 years and women relied solely on their husbands, such a downtrodden life of misery was manageable. Today, when women are easily living into their 80s and 90s, and we have society where low- and middle-income women are earning better than their counterpart men on average, it is to be avoided.
Many women have been foolishly wasting their lives doing certain things for decades. Many will proudly tell you that their parents did it and that's how they were brought up. Since they dared not question whether their parents were right or wrong, they continue the indoctrination passing it on to their children. That is the part I detest the most.
The romantic notion of marriage itself is nice but impractical. Yes, it occurs frequently but there is no possible way everyone is going to be perfectly married to their soul mate. It is an impossibility that causes many problems as it sets up totally unrealistic expectations. If it happen to you, consider yourself extraordinarily lucky as I am. Generally, the fact is, after a period, marriage becomes about the house, the kids, the in-laws, the children's football games, and this and that. As Verus said about 2,000 years ago, "Wife is the name of dignity, not bliss."
If a woman is serious about being in a relationship and starting a family, then she needs to let go of the fairy tales and embrace simplicity. Simplicity in what she is seeking, simplicity in getting to know men without drama, and simplicity in being able to recognise that what she wants in both the short and long-term may not look like Will Smith or drive a jeep. Unfortunately, the real criteria for many Nigerian young women is having a man they can show-off to their friends and make them jealous.
There is a woman I know who came from another part of Nigeria to Lagos to be with her first boyfriend. After four years that relationship ended, and after a while she met another guy and she has been with him for a year now. I am quite sure that should this relationship end, she would take a little break, start dating, and get in another relationship. Simply put, she says: "I like being in a relationship. I don't really enjoy being single. I don't think it's fun. If it turns to marriage, that ok; if it doesn't, that's ok too." Wow! The simplicity of it all. She is so much happier than the plethora obsessive marriage-seeking check-list women abound. She is also more likely to be married, sooner than later, because she has great relationship experience and continually grows in better understanding what kind of man's characteristics would suit her. She brings experience into a relationship that any worldly eligible bachelor would appreciate.
Hello Anonymous,
Delete"Many women have been foolishly wasting their lives doing certain things for decades"?... What have they been foolishly doing? Is it as it is laid out in the bible? If it is, how can that be foolish?
"The romantic notion of marriage itself is nice but impractical. Yes, it occurs frequently but there is no possible way everyone is going to be perfectly married to their soul mate?"
Marriage is biblical and as long as each party does he/her duty according to as it is defined in God's word, how can that be a waste of time or impractical? On judgement day God is going to ask each of us to account for our lives and he is not going to excuse the husband for not doing his part because the wife didn't do hers...and vice versa.
Marriage will work if both parties live out their roles as laid out by God's word, however regardless of how your partner behaves(be it the husband or wife) you still have to do your part.
"Husbands, love your wives"...not "Husbands, love your wife as long as she does this or that.."
"Wives submit to your husbands"...not "Wife submit to your husbands"...not "Wives submit to your husbands as long as he does this or that...".
We are doing this for God not for man. If one is not prepared to do this, then it's far better to stay single.
At the end we are accountable to God, not to our spouses.
Cheers.
Marriage is not biblical and not everyone sees marriage as accountable to God. That notion is an ill-informed fallacy that pervades many developing societies.
DeleteOne of the oldest known and recorded marriage laws is discerned from Hammurabi's Code, enacted in ancient Mesopotamia. The legal institution of marriage and its rules and ramifications have changed over time depending on the culture or demographic of the time. From the early Christian era (30 to 325 CE), marriage was primarily considered a private matter, with no religious or other ceremony being required. Marriage in 6th century Europe has been characterized as political polygamy. For example, the Germanic warlord Clothar, despite being a baptized Christian, eventually acquired four wives for strategic reasons, including his dead brother's wife, her sister and the daughter of a captured foreign king. In the 12th century, aristocrats believed love was incompatible with marriage and sought romance in adultery. Troubadours invented courtly love which involved secret but chaste trysts between a lover and a beloved. The notion of marriage as a sacrament and not just a contract can be traced St. Paul who compared the relationship of a husband and wife to that of Christ and his church (Eph. v, 23-32). But it was not until 1563 that the Council of Trent decreed that marriages should be celebrated in the presence of a priest and at least two witnesses. Throughout human history prior to this, the church had little to no involvement in marriage beyond clerical duties of record keeping in some regions. Love was not a necessary ingredient for marriage during this era as most marriages were arranged and many for political advantage. The Council also decreed that the church's interpretation of the Bible was final. Any Christian who substituted his or her own interpretation was a heretic. Thus, the hijacking of marriage by the Christian church began.
Because someone stays in a marriage "regardless of how their partner behaves (be it the husband or wife) to live out their role as laid out by God's word" does not mean the marriage is working. More often than not, it simply means one of the spouses is spineless.
Comment is free, but facts are sacred.
Biblical does not imply church involvement. The messages in the bible predates the Church. As you say "The legal institution of marriage and its rules and ramifications have changed over time depending on the culture or demographic of the time". I agree, however the words in the bible have not changed.
DeleteFor the marriage to work it takes both partners. Staying in it "regardless of how their partner behaves (be it the husband or wife) to live out their role as laid out by God's word" can also be looked at as an indication of the commitment the person has to the marriage...and may not necessarily mean that the person is spineless.
In the end there's the option of divorce, which was put there because of the hardness of men's hearts, in the scenario where one spouse has hardened and closed their heart to any chance of reconciliation.