Breaking the Silence: The Girl Code
Yup, ladies, Let. Us. Go. There. Already. I have to break the silence on this once and for all. Let’s talk about the Girl Code, shall we? Y’all know the code I’m talking about. That unspoken set of rules among women about who you are allowed to date based on the guy’s previous interaction with your friend(s). I use the word “interaction” deliberately because the rules are based on the kind of contact the guy has had with your friend and as such the rules range from the understandable to the flat out outrageous!
For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about (and you could only be a guy cos ALL women know this code), lemme explain. Essentially, there is a (unspoken) code among women and the best way I can explain it is with examples, so here goes:
- I dated him before so you can’t date him
- He “toasted” me before and even though I wasn’t interested in him, you can’t date him
- I like him and even though he hasn’t said a word to me and chances are he never will, you can’t date him
- Even though I’m married with 10 children, he was my high school crush so you can’t date him
- Even though I’m married with 20 children, he was my boyfriend once upon a time so you can’t date him
- We both like him (we met him at different times) and even though he wasn’t interested in me and he is interested in you, I spotted him first so you can’t date him
And the list goes on and on! Please add to the list if you can think of some.
I am not making this up. Lol. The ladies know I’m not and the reason why I’m breaking the silence on this is because I want us to talk ladies. Do these rules make sense? Are they justifiable? Like I said earlier, they are unspoken rules. Rarely do girls sit around and talk about them but if you’re a woman you just know them - almost innately! Lol! But I would like for us to talk about them already. Let’s lay it out and discuss because some women who have been brave and broken some of these rules have lost friendships (yes guys, it’s that deep!).
Remember the poll I did a while ago (scroll to the bottom of the page to see it)? I asked if it was ok to date your friend’s ex and most people (I’m assuming both guys and girl answered) said it was NOT ok! Even Gayle King (yes, THAT Gayle, Oprah’s best friend, hehehe) responded to my tweet on the subject and said “Not okay UNLESS all parties agree and that is very, very, very rare”.
So, my question is WHY??? Why all the rules ladies? Why isn’t it ok to date your friend’s ex? Why isn’t it ok for your friend to date a guy you like even though he’s not interested in you? Why isn’t it ok for your friend to date your ex even though you’ve moved on and since married and your friend is still VERY single? Why?
I really think these rules have limited a number of women from moving on and finding love. Now, I can think of a number of reasons why people would stand by (some maybe not all) these rules but should those reasons be enough to stop two people from moving ahead in love especially when the disapproving party has moved on with their love life? I know some people might say “Well, why can’t she find love somewhere else? Why it gotta be the guy I liked or dated? Aren’t there SO many other men on the planet?” etc. etc.
So, I wanna hear from y’all. What exactly is the issue, ladies? What’s the reasoning behind these rules? Let’s throw some light on this, shall we!
Let’s talk ladies. What are your thoughts on the matter?
Well, I'm a guy and really can't say I know too much about the girl code. All I'll say is based on the questions you've raised. I see nothing wrong in dating a friend's Ex/Crush, except the person in question has really deep character flaws which the ex tries to point out to her friend out of Love for her. Asides that, I really see nothing wrong in it. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteLike he said, if the guy beats on the girl, is a serial cheater, thief, murderer..... Yes! By all means, tell her not to date him.
ReplyDeleteBut if he is like one of the nicest guys you ever came across and lost him cos of your own hangups and abject stupidity, then please step aside and let your "friend" try her chance at finding "love"!
I personally don't believe in giving an "ex" a second chance. But if the guy means so much to you, why not try to get him back instead of hating on the next female that finds him attractive.
Enuff said!
Well... I'm not normally one for all these rules BUT, some make sense. If a guy breaks up with you, WHY in the WORLD would your friend date him??! This is a guy who treated you like crap, who you really liked/loved (and maybe still do) about whom you bared you soul to your friend and THAT'S the guy she chooses to date??? No, that's just wrong. It's just too complicated. There are TONS of guys in Nigeria, talkless of on the face of the earth; I'm SURE she can find someone else to date, besides him. Then, there's the guy whom you broke up with 'cos he's an asshole, you told your friend this and she STILL dates him! That just shows she doesn't trust your judgment! All in all, the whole 'dating the ex' thing is messy and complicated, and is best avoided.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong in dating ur friends EX.One man's food is another man's poison. Well, I'm presently dating ma Aunt's EX and we're in love about to get married. My Aunt doesn't see anything wrong in it afterall, she happily married to someone else.
ReplyDeleteThere are some scenarios that require judgement, there are some which are no-nos. But then there are some which, girls, we just need to grow up!
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with your friend dating a guy you liked but who didn't like you back. It'll be difficult to see because nothing hurts like unrequited love but it's ok to move on and wish your friend happiness. The world doesn't revolve around us and our personal happiness. And no, there are not hundreds of men to choose from in Nigeria, people actually spend time, pray and fast to meet the one! So if THE one your friend has found happens to be a guy you saw first and liked but who didn't like you back, then he chose your friend, it's fine, on to the next one.
I don't fink there is anyfin bad in dating my friends ex or vice versa cos more often than not d girl tries to make silly excuses....... I dated my friends ex before and twas fun while it lasted even though she almost kill herself then...
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong in dating your friend's ex. The problem is lack of communication. Talk to your friend, find out if she's still hung-up on the guy, find out why they broke up, ask him why they broke up (or ask a neutral source), find out from yourself if you're serious about the guy (or just want to mess around with him) and then make a judgment call based on good moral values. BUT don't short change yourself or risk your chances of forever after because of someone else's hang-ups. Yes there are loads of men/women in Nigeria but there are only A FEW GOOD ONES left. If you find one don't let go because someone from their past whom you know has been with them, unless there are serious reasons like physical, emotional etc abuse/psychological issues etc why they broke up in the first place and even then everyone deserves a second chance, if truly they have repented, and that's easy to know, the writings are always on the wall/a leopard never changes their spots that much, so unless you decide to be blind to the little details/signs you'll know 1. if the person deserves a second chance and 2. If you are the right person to give that second chance. Finding someone to love is easy, understanding what needs to be done to KEEP AND GROW that love is hard so if you're on to a good thing and willing to do the work, why should something as subjective as "a girl code" influence that negatively?
ReplyDeleteHmmmm. THE GIRL CODE... I always knew it existed but I never thought it was this deep. It's soooo true though. I think women actually operate this way. Well, most women anyway. I'm not sure it applies to us guys though.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, great job! Love your blog!! It's so helpful. Feels like we're learning all this stuff with you sometimes. LOLLL. Now I'm about to look for some of your older pieces to read:).
Hmmmm. THE GIRL CODE... I always knew it existed but I never thought it was this deep. It's soooo true though. I think women actually operate this way. Well, most women anyway. I'm not sure it applies to us guys though.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, great job! Love your blog!! It's so helpful. Feels like we're learning all this stuff with you sometimes. LOLLL. Now I'm about to look for some of your older pieces to read:).
Thanks for sharing your thoughts guys!
ReplyDeleteHow close is/was the friendship? I wouldn't date a man that a really close friend or relative was interested in or used to date. There are too many men out there for me to risk losing a good friend over ONE of them. But if the person is just a casual aquaintance, I'm gon' get my man. LOL
ReplyDeleteFYI--I live in Florida, not Nigeria.