From Friends to Lovers – How to Fall in Love With Your Friend
You know I always say “marry your friend”. I am a strong
believer in marrying someone with whom you share a strong, genuine friendship
because I think friendship should be the foundation of a marriage. After all
when the butterflies disappear (I hear they do even though they might come
back. Lol), you need something more concrete to fall back on and that thing is
friendship.
Ok, but from a number of conversations I’ve had, I realize
that falling in love with your friend is not always as easy as it sounds for a
number of reasons. When it’s a friend you made later in life, it might be
relatively “easy” (for the purposes of this discussion) perhaps because you
aren’t so familiar – yet. But when it’s a friendship from say high school or
even childhood – someone who really knows you “all the way home”, many people stay away from taking such
friendships to the next level because they are afraid they won’t be able to get
past the high level of familiarity they have developed over the years. But as
many of you know, love can sneak up on you when you least expect it. So what do
you do when you find yourself falling in love with an old (really old) friend?
Now, bear in mind that this is the person you used to talk
to about all your boyfriends/girlfriends. Maybe at times you even tried to
match make him/her with someone. You used
to call him/her your buddy/homie/padi/”my
guy” and now you realize you actually care about this person like that and the feelings are mutual.
I think the biggest fear in this kind of situation is
making sure you don’t mess things up because many people feel like if they do,
they will lose not just the “romantic” relationship but even scarier, the
friendship.
Well, here are some of my thoughts on how to make a
smooth shift from really good friends to lovers:
-
Be deliberate
about romantic gestures because while being friends is a great
foundation, you also need to make your “new” relationship special from a
romantic stand point. This is so that it doesn’t get boring and you slip back
to just being friends cos when that happens, you miss out on the opportunity to
really take it to the next level. It is very easy to “not see the need” for
romantic gestures, after all, this is your personal
person and they should understand that you’re not the romantic type, right?
WRONG! (the men are usually guilty of this) Don’t fall into that trap. This is
when you need to go the extra mile. It will help the transition along very
nicely.
-
Make
appropriate PDA a must. If this person was your really good
friend, for some people, making the switch to lover in terms of PDA could be
hard especially for the guys who are not natural “PDAers”. If it doesn’t come naturally
to you to, say, hold your girlfriend’s hand, when that girlfriend is your
former best friend, it might be even harder so you have to make a very
conscious effort.
-
Do nice
things for each other. This
might seem like a no-brainer but truth is when you were just friends, you
probably let each other get off easy when the other person didn’t buy a
birthday present, for example. But now that they are your lover, you won’t and
shouldn’t get off so easily. Again, it’s about being deliberate and going out
of your way to make them feel extra special as you tread new waters in your
relationship and make that shift from friends to lovers. After all, you care
about him/her now more than ever, so make the extra effort. “Nice” could be any
little thing that would make him/her smile. Be thoughtful too. Some people
understand this really well and others…must learn!
-
Don’t
take each other for granted. “Familiarity breeds contempt” (or as
we say in Nigeria there is a tendency to “see them finish”*) and while we love
our friends, sometimes we can take them for granted and might not be as
sensitive to their emotions and needs. But
once you switch from friends to lovers, you can’t afford to do that anymore
(not that it was good to take your friend for grant before but you get the
point). Because you’re trying to move past the potential awkwardness of now
being lovers, you have to make sure the other person doesn’t feel like you are
taking them for granted in any way or at any time.
-
Spend
even more quality time. It could have been one of two things –
you were good phone/chat/Skype/email buddies or you spent time together (when
neither of you had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Lol). Either way, now that you
have taken things up a notch, it would probably be great if you spent more quality
time together as you get to know each other from a different angle. Don’t brush
off the need for spending quality time because you think your former friendship
will sustain things. Things have changed so take advantage of as many
opportunities you have to spend quality time together – at least at the initial
stages of the transition from friends to lovers.
-
Don’t
make fun of him/her when they are expressing affection/emotion. I feel
the need to say this. If the other person is expressing their feelings, don’t
ever be tempted to switch back to buddy-mode and make fun of them or make light
of the moment. They would probably not appreciate it. Also when the person does
something REALLY nice for you, perhaps something they never did on the
friendship level, don’t make fun or light of it. Show genuine appreciation. That
will only encourage them to do more. Otherwise, thoughts of doubt could arise in
their mind and you don’t want that.
Have you ever had to make the
switch from friend to lover? What was your experience like? What made it hard
Easy?
*See them finish is when someone knows you so well they basically have
no regard for you.
I'm in a similar situation... But slightly different...hv know my dearly dear for along ttime... Since junior high school but we never talked not even a greeting.. Only see her once a week in church. We exchanged contact last year and started talking.... We became friends...and then best of friends.. For like 5months... Then we took up a nothch.i do really care for her..she has a great personality... But sometimes I feel she makes jest of me a lil bit too monotonous.. Makes me feel a lil bit unhappy atimes.. I just wave it off with a smile and return the jest in a lighter mood... So my question is... Should I talk to her about it... Wouldn't she feel like im too serious
ReplyDeleteI'm in a similar situation... But slightly different...hv know my dearly dear for along ttime... Since junior high school but we never talked not even a greeting.. Only see her once a week in church. We exchanged contact last year and started talking.... We became friends...and then best of friends.. For like 5months... Then we took up a nothch.i do really care for her..she has a great personality... But sometimes I feel she makes jest of me a lil bit too monotonous.. Makes me feel a lil bit unhappy atimes.. I just wave it off with a smile and return the jest in a lighter mood... So my question is... Should I talk to her about it... Wouldn't she feel like im too serious
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