"I Wanna Get to Know You..."

I wanna get to know you
How can I get to know you?
I wanna get to know you,
Know you better
~ Ledisi

This is the chorus to a song by a very talented soulful artist called Ledisi. She basically talks about this guy she’s been seeing around town and how she’d really like to get to know him. One day, they’re out at the same place and he asks her to dance and he finally says the words she’s been longing to hear – the words in the chorus. What happens after that i.e. if they actually get to know each other is another story. Lol.
I strongly feel like people aren’t getting to know each other these days. Even though technology has advanced tremendously, I feel like there are so many superficial relationships and friendships. Everyone’s your friend on Blackberry Messenger, Twitter, Facebook, and Whatsapp but how many are actually your friends? How many have you actually called on the phone recently or sent an email to or hung out with? Now, I’m not saying everyone has to be your friend to that extent cos that would be ridiculous, right? But I feel like even with the friends we do have, technology has most certainly changed the dynamics of relationships and how we get to know each other better. Plus, everyone is SO busy these days that even “scheduling” friends into our calendars seems like work! (Sometimes though we really need to pause and ask ourselves what we are SO busy doing. Might help put things in perspective)
Remember when we used to write and post letters? The thrill and anticipation of getting letters was amazing! Tearing that envelope open as we glanced at the sender’s address to see who sent it was pure joy. I recently suggested Pen Pals and people thought I was crazy. Lol. Then we started sending emails and the delight of checking your email perhaps the next day (not instantaneously like we can these days) and seeing an email from a good friend felt good. Nowadays? Well, people send you an email, BBM you to let you know they’ve sent it, then check in with you a few minutes later to see if you’ve read it. Ugh, it’s so sad! Also, friends can go days and maybe even weeks without hearing each others’ voices – they don’t even use voicenotes on BBM and Whatsapp! Lol. Now obviously this doesn’t apply to all friends. There are some relationships that technology can never change but in general, the art of building friendships and really getting to know people has changed and I can’t say it’s for the better. It also seems a lot of people are actually comfortable with superficial relationships even though they wouldn’t call them that. You’re on my Blackberry Messenger, I see your updates, I have a good laugh, I have very shallow chats with you from time to time to “check on you”, I don’t really need to know too much, just the basics. Some people don’t even know their “friends’” or should I say “contacts’” surname!!! Lol.
So, what about when it comes to a prospect, someone you wanna get to know like that? Well, I think technology has once again affected that process and not really for the better! Let’s get into it: When a guy met a girl back in the day (and I’m not talking too long ago), he’d ask for her phone number and she’d either give it to him or refrain and offer her email address instead (I did that once before :D. Made it interesting. Hehe). The responsibility was then on the guy to make the effort to call and have conversations with her before arranging a meet up. He’d have to call a few times and earn her interest before asking her on a date (for some reason I don’t really like that word but I digress). If she gave her email address instead, he’d have to take the time to type an email, check for grammatical errors, be somewhat creative, etc. and then wait for her response, which could take days to come. He’d have to do this over time as well before requesting a meet up.
But fast forward to nowadays and geez! Dudes are asking for ladies’ BB pins!!! While this is convenient, I also feel to some extent it can come across as lazy. Yes, lazy. Ladies, help me out here. A lot of guys who ask for BB pins end up never or hardly calling the girl. They are just there. Taking up BBM space. Lol. Sometimes quiet. Other times doing that annoying “just checking on you” thing and in my opinion, it gives the impression that the guy is really not interested in her like that. Guys, if you like a girl like that, I think you should ask for her phone number and resist the temptation to ask for the BB pin cos even though you may have good intentions, BB will make you lazy! I mean, how do you really get to know someone over BB? Or Facebook, Whatsapp, or Twitter???? They all lack tone, emotion, and body language. They are convenient but to some extent, if used incorrectly i.e. not followed up with a phone call can come across as a lack effort. It’s the truth. Now, obviously, there are guys who call and don’t even ask for BB pins and kudos to them. These guys make the effort. I also know that there could be some exceptions and instances where using one or more of these social media platforms might be acceptable initially but dude, ya gotta CALL her! And don’t delay on the call either! Don’t add her on BB and wait a few weeks to call. Not good. These days a woman would simply delete the guy off her social media space if he’s just there. Like what’s the point? Clearly, in her mind, he isn’t interested.
Now, all of that being said, there’s another aspect to getting to know someone like that that I must bring up. It’s the first date! Like I said earlier, I don’t really like the word “date” but it’s kinda hard to explain why so we’ll just leave it alone. Lol. Anyways, more recently, I’d been telling some friends that I don’t believe in going to fancy restaurants and what not on a first date or even second or third! Why? Well, my reason is simple: There’s a certain atmosphere and fa├žade that those sorts of dates create. Each person acts a certain way, the guy has to pay all this money to impress the babe*, it can be stiff and uncomfortable, and think of all the awkward moments they'll have to deal with if the conversation doesn’t flow! Yikes. (I read somewhere that it takes four seconds for a moment to become awkward). I told my friends if a guy wanted to go out, I’d prefer we went for like suya or to a more relaxed and unconventional joint where we could talk – really talk, laugh, have proper conversation, etc. For me, that creates a more conducive atmosphere for getting to know someone. Of course, to an extent, where you go doesn’t always help the conversation cos if it ain’t flowing, it ain’t flowing but being in a more comfortable and less tense environment can certainly help.  And let me just say, as for the fancy dinners, oh, that time will come but I think those can wait and they’ll actually be more fun later cos at that point, if you’re either already in a relationship with the person or almost there, you’ll have more to talk and laugh about, etc. I think my friends got what I was saying but I actually don’t remember their reactions to it. Lol. So, I did think however that to an extent perhaps my reasoning was a bit weird and I was just “different” until recently when I read this article by Paul C. Brunson!!! I was elated! “I’m not crazy afterall!!!!”, I thought. Phew! Lol.
What do y’all think? Are people really getting to know each other these days? Has technology changed the “getting to know you” game for the worst? Do you think we’ve become lazy? Should guys call more often and get off social media?

*Dudes, impress away! There are many ways to impress a girl even if you’re just going for suya so don’t get me wrong. You MUST impress her J



Picture courtesy flickrhivemind.net

Comments

  1. Great post here,however, are we saying no call equals no effort? I know a couple who did only e-mails and never saw each other but the words they exchanged for a month through the mails and the phone calls way after made they agree to get married even before the saw each other. Ladies need to drop this arrogance, don't miss out on a good thing. Focus on the real motive if its Love then just role with it and not how its coming. If you want a call tell Him to call you. Everyone has faults,there is always something wrong with everyone. Be wise.

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  2. I know this is about getting to know someone in its' entirety but the "call" bit took up a lot of space so I'm going to comment on that. Grace has a valid point. I don't think no call equals no effort and vice versa. There's no harm in calling but circumstances are different and there shouldn't be a rule book for the "getting to know" process. You seem to be going down the route of a guy must call a girl within x days of getting her number otherwise he's not interested. Technology works for some people but I also get what you mean when you say it has affected the getting to know process; less genuine conversations and way too many online "friends". However, the simple truth is call or no call like you say "If he likes you you'll know, if he doesn't you'll be confused". :)

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    1. Nah, I haven't said anything about calling within a certain number of days but I would imagine that if a guy is interested in a girl, he would pick up the phone at some point and call. Depth will lack over social media eventually and he will have to transition to the good ole getting-to-know you modes of communication.

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  3. I totally agree, Aderonke! Yes, everyone has become lazy with so many more options for connecting with others. I was having this SAME conversation with a friend just yesterday (You seem to have a knack for getting into my head with you articles every week, haha!) and I was telling her that Blackberry has made guys very lazy in the process of getting to know ladies. I don't take guys who 'toast' me ONLY on BBM seriously. If he can't pick up the phone to call after like a MONTH of chatting on BBM, he is not serious. End of. And on the issue of first dates, I agree as well. 'No pressure' dates are usually the most fun.
    Good read! xxx

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    1. I believe you're single right now and would be single for a very long time if you keep thinking like this. What if He is not talkative but is madly in Love with you ? You seem more interested in how the toasting goes than the result of the toasting and the resolve of the toaster. I don't think you're ready for a relationship yet,when you're ready all you'd want is someone who really Loves you period. E-mail,Phone,Biro and Paper how ever it is you want Him to just take you. Don't be arrogant He's got His "pride" too. People with rules almost always end up sad.

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    2. you seem to be too personal on this issue. The question is whether technology has changed the dynamics of relationships. There is nothing arrogant about this writer in this article and by the way you don't have to make statements that portray you being bitter or cursing because it won't work. T he writer will definately get married , if single now and will never be sad.Try to be more open and friendly/sociable.

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  4. Well, meeting people isn't so easy nowadays... There are a lot of stalkers out there, but on the other hand there are a lot of honest, straight forward guys who want to meet people they have interest in. The average lady won't respond to a guy who tells her on twitter or facebook "I'll like to get to know you". I think sometimes we let a stereotype cloud our honest judgement and so miss the chance to meet great people. With a great friendship or relationship, both sides benefit... not just the guy, not just the lady.
    As usual, this was the kind of read that gets you thinking... :). Well done Aderonke.

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  5. Well, ladies, STOP giving out your BB PINs if you think you may want this guy to 'toast' you! Give your phone number ONLY! For me, my BB PIN is mainly for ppl close to me or those who are really at a distance. When some ppl ask (they don't even ask, they simply go "gimme your PIN", while they are whipping out their silly blackberries) especially guys I only know casually, I simply give a definite NO! I'll give you my phone number. If you have something serious to say, you would call.
    2. Girls have totally succeeded in confusing guys on the whole toasting thing! A girl wants the guy to make an effort to impress her; the guy feels, to get this girl, he must put his best foot forward. Guy has just met this girl he thinks he really likes. Think about it, do you really expect that he would plan a first date at Glover Ct suya place??! C'mon, if that is how down to earth you like to kick it off, then you as the lady probably need to communicate that clearly when he asks you on that date. Simply say you would prefer something real easy; blue jeans, a white t-shirt and the akara joint at the food court at The Palms (to give an element of sophistication), or that you would like asun from the guy at 32 Awolowo Rd or something like that. It will make the process a whole lot easier and probably more interesting for you both! ..D.

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    1. Yeah! Why do people do that?? "Gimme your BB pin"! Lol! I think if the conversation is flowing between the two, it would be easier to arrange a down-to-earth date. Thanks for sharing!

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  6. Shawn Love RaphaJuly 30, 2012 at 2:45 PM

    Some girls act like they've got s form of "mental illness". If someone asks for you phone number or pin and talks to you over and over again. He is either trying to get to know you, feels He's in Love with you,wants to sleep with you, or is just fund of you. What's up with the procedure ? It can't be any other reason other than this reasons. Like I always say too much sense is the problem these days.

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  7. Well written Ronke...for me i really miss those days when i looked forward to reciving an email or a letter from a friend or an admirer...It just makes you yearn for more of the sweet talks...I for one is not a blackberry person and i got one cos of work...The only thing i appreciate about it is that it gives you alot of information about weddings,birthdays,deaths,and the most annoying part is wen a guy or a gal is fighting or has been dumbed by his or her lover and annouces it to d world....i feel we shldnt attach any form of restriction to how we should keep intouch with our friends or people we like...For me whether its thru a call or a hangout with the suya guy, i love a gud conversation, if you cant have a gud conversation with me about alot of thgs you can never catch my attention...Some guys just want to talk about shallow thgs and gals about dumb thgs....so whether its thru a fone call, bbm or whatsapp you choose to communicate wit me, make gud talk and not harassing ones

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