“…Married for All the Wrong Reasons” Part 1
I have heard people say “People get married for all the wrong reasons” many times. Recently at Conversations and Cocktails*, a very animated guy (Lol) raised a very important topic. He said he was single and didn’t want to be for too much longer. He went on to say that his concern though with settling down had a lot to do with what he had seen: Many young people’s marriages breaking up. And he wanted to know why they were breaking up. It is a very relevant and important discussion, one that I think about a lot and discuss with friends from time to time. I find that when the topic is raised, the first response is usually somewhere along the lines of “Well, young people these days get married for all the wrong reasons”. But no one expatiates. Everyone just agrees and moves on. And I believe the reason they say that is because they believe those wrong reasons contribute to marriages breaking up, right?
Well, I want to get to the crux of it though. What are the “wrong” reasons for getting married? I tackled this from another angle a while ago and now I want to know what would be a considered a “wrong” reason to get married from the start? I know why I want to get married for the most part and I wonder, what would make a reason for getting married right or wrong.
When I asked What are the wrong reasons for getting married?, here’s what some people had to say:
~ Pressure from [mum]. Or from self…Poverty of mind and pocket.
~ ‘Free sex’, old age (getting tired of waiting), wealth (or lack of it, depending on who is gold digging who), pressure (from self, partner, family, peers), ‘for the fun of it’.
~ Status, age, money, position, not forgetting “religious” reasons. Also, just because he/she is cute.
~Pressure, sex, security.
When you look at the list above, you would probably agree, right? Pressure, security, “God-pleasing sex”, and fear of growing old alone usually top the list of “wrong” reasons for getting married. So, I’m thinking we should break them down to see just how “wrong” these reasons are:
- Pressure: If you are pressured to do ANYTHING in life, don’t do it. Pressure should never be your driving force. Whether it’s pressure from family, friends, or your boyfriend or girlfriend. If you experience pressure from anyone or for any reason, run, don’t do it. Pressure will usually make you rush to do something you haven’t thought through and that will usually lead to a bad decision. So, yeah, I think this would qualify as a wrong reason.
- Security: This one is tricky because people define security differently. Some people see security as financial security so they want to marry someone so they can be financially free. Others see security as having someone’s hand to hold on this life’s journey – a safe place. Many women will tell you that they want to feel a sense a security and safety with the man they marry. That can’t be such a bad thing, right? What about wanting someone to take care of your financial needs? I think when it comes to the issue of security, if the person seeking the security is doing it out of selfishness and for selfish reasons, not wanting to reciprocate in any way then that should be considered a wrong reason for getting married. Generally speaking, it IS the man’s place to provide for his family and I think most men want to and enjoy the role of provider but a woman’s reason for getting with the man shouldn’t solely be because he can take care of her particularly from a financial standpoint but her reason should be because she can take care of him too - not necessarily financially but in some other way(s).
Come back later for Part 2 of this where we’ll talk about God-pleasing sex (Hehe) and being alone. But in the meantime, what are some “wrong” reasons for getting married in your opinion?
*Conversations & Cocktails is a monthly networking event I created and host in the city of Lagos to bring people together for a chilled evening of good conversation and great company. Attendees make new friends, establish new business contacts, and just enjoy healthy, intellectual discourse. It’s always an evening well spent J
The notion that it is "the man's place to provide for his family" is outdated and should be consigned to the dustbin of history. Garbage in, garbage out. It is only in unfortunate and backwards societies like Nigeria where men control the far larger share of the national cake that such ideology continues unabated. A dysfunctional and lopsided society where a woman struggling is an object of pity, while a man struggling is an object of contempt. Men and women should be equal partners in this world, but such a lofty goal can only be achieved by acting like equal partners, that is, equally sharing. If women truly want equality, they should be prepared to willingly shoulder their share of the burden. In other words, they should be ponying up their half of dating expenses, dying on the front lines, and enjoying career success purely because of merit and hard work. In fact, if Nigerian women took equal partnership in life's rigors, Nigerian men would be better behaved and not perversely always feel like they have invested for an entitled return. It is because this fundamental power imbalance that almost all Nigerian married men cheat and blatantly get away with it. When power is unequal, expect to be walked over, sooner or later, when the chips are down. There is no point in denying it, for this feature can be seen behind the curtains of Nigerian marriages up and down the land with very few exceptions.
ReplyDeleteAnother reason may be the fact that folks like to "keep up with the Jones" where you see people entering into marriage because xyz or yxz is already married. This can also fall under pressure but more than normal marriage itself in Nigeria is over rated because from my point of view, it has become a social status of some sort leaving out the real reason to get married.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree as well! Also People marry out of pity... I've seen examples of that happening.
DeleteThe worst reason to get married is because you think other people think you should. There are enough problems in marriage not to add feeling like you never wanted it in the first place. Sometimes pressure is perceived and not even real. You might feel self conscious and think everyone around you is thinking is how sad you are for not being married but it's probably all in your head. People should take whatever time they need to really be certain that marrying the person in question is what they truly want.
ReplyDeleteWhat is God pleasing sex and how different is that from regular sex?
ReplyDeletebetween a married couple
ReplyDeleteGod's pleasing sex is avoiding premarital sex.
ReplyDeleteHiya, im just reading your blog for the first time and i like it a lot. Im interested in Conversations and Cocktails though. Is it by invite only? If not where is it held? Thank you :)
ReplyDelete