The "Leading" Man
Men, men, men, how many times did I call your "name"? Lol. Listen up and listen good! This is not about leadership or the leading man in a major production. This is about the man who keeps leading women on! Yup. We have all agreed that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? Right. So, let me let you in on something that many of you appear to be CLUELESS about. It has probably caused you a lot of trouble and left you confused so let me shed some light for you. You can thank me later :)
Here's how it usually plays out: You meet a girl. You like her. She's friendly, you guys get along well. You enjoy each other's company. You guys hang out a lot or occasionally, whichever. You go out of your way to help her - in fact you would bend over whenever necessary to make sure she is ok. She likes you too. She thinks you're an amazing guy. Depending on the duration of your "relationship" some of your friends even think you guys are an item. But you're not. In fact, when people tease you about it, you INSIST that she is just your friend. Here's the issue though, she thinks otherwise. She actually likes you enough to date you. She's attracted to you not just physically but emotionally as well. She has really grown to like you because you are there and you do all the right things.
The thing is men and women process information differently. In your mind, she is just a friend you like. In her mind, you are building your case for that day when you will finally ask her out. And before you think women are crazy for thinking this way, consider it carefully: If you're not interested in her like THAT then why are you being so nice, so present, so THERE??? It's confusing for women. A woman's mind and I guess heart tell her that the reason you are SO present is because you care about her in a special way - more than you care about other girls. Sadly, the thing is when the guy realizes she has feelings for him, he jets and leaves her hanging! Stop it! Don't do it. Guys, if you're not interested in a girl like THAT, then don't be there like that! Create boundaries. Be absent sometimes. Especially when you start to sense that she really likes you. For lack of a better way to say it, back off. Don't pretend like you don't know she likes you. If you're not sure if she likes you and you have enough of a rapport, talk about but don't keep being there only to "break" her heart later. Capiche? Lol.
I'm not trying to blame you cos in all fairness, you are probably just a nice guy who cares about his friends so you can't understand why she's thinking that way. Well, women are from Venus. Always remember that :) So, don't be a leading man. Don't lead her on only to leave her hanging. It's not fair. Like I said, I don't entirely blame you because some of you are actually sincerely clueless. But that's why I've explained so you can quit it :)
What do y'all think? Guys, do you think some women really over analyze and read a little too much meaning into your kind gestures? Do you have any extreme cases to share?
Ladies, please share your thoughts as well.
Here's how it usually plays out: You meet a girl. You like her. She's friendly, you guys get along well. You enjoy each other's company. You guys hang out a lot or occasionally, whichever. You go out of your way to help her - in fact you would bend over whenever necessary to make sure she is ok. She likes you too. She thinks you're an amazing guy. Depending on the duration of your "relationship" some of your friends even think you guys are an item. But you're not. In fact, when people tease you about it, you INSIST that she is just your friend. Here's the issue though, she thinks otherwise. She actually likes you enough to date you. She's attracted to you not just physically but emotionally as well. She has really grown to like you because you are there and you do all the right things.
The thing is men and women process information differently. In your mind, she is just a friend you like. In her mind, you are building your case for that day when you will finally ask her out. And before you think women are crazy for thinking this way, consider it carefully: If you're not interested in her like THAT then why are you being so nice, so present, so THERE??? It's confusing for women. A woman's mind and I guess heart tell her that the reason you are SO present is because you care about her in a special way - more than you care about other girls. Sadly, the thing is when the guy realizes she has feelings for him, he jets and leaves her hanging! Stop it! Don't do it. Guys, if you're not interested in a girl like THAT, then don't be there like that! Create boundaries. Be absent sometimes. Especially when you start to sense that she really likes you. For lack of a better way to say it, back off. Don't pretend like you don't know she likes you. If you're not sure if she likes you and you have enough of a rapport, talk about but don't keep being there only to "break" her heart later. Capiche? Lol.
I'm not trying to blame you cos in all fairness, you are probably just a nice guy who cares about his friends so you can't understand why she's thinking that way. Well, women are from Venus. Always remember that :) So, don't be a leading man. Don't lead her on only to leave her hanging. It's not fair. Like I said, I don't entirely blame you because some of you are actually sincerely clueless. But that's why I've explained so you can quit it :)
What do y'all think? Guys, do you think some women really over analyze and read a little too much meaning into your kind gestures? Do you have any extreme cases to share?
Ladies, please share your thoughts as well.
So I speak as someone who has been accused of being a "Leading Man" one too many times. I know many people will "yimu" at what I am about to say but I know I am not alone in this: For most women, every single thing has a meaning and an interpretation - the way a guy dresses, hugs you, calls your name indicates SOMETHING.
ReplyDeleteIn reality, men are far less sophisticated and it is very easy for women to begin to create fantasies based on what they want to see. Don't get me wrong, there are times guys (self-included) have deliberately led women on (for various reason, Plan B, ego-boosting moves etc) but for the most part, women need to relax and stop trying to piece things together. If he's not that into you, you will eventually find out.
Date around (not sleep around), be open, honest and be yourself. Don't overthink things. It does not help anyone.
As they say on Twitter: #gbam Well said.
DeleteAderonke, is this your story? The tone is too "involved" for it not to be lol. On the flip side, its really funny because from the look of things, I'm a victim. Lol. Women are so beautiful but..ish, sooo weird. Wish we had an alternative lol. I don't think its fair to the guy. The easy way out is to be mean? Is that the case? If its ones nature to care and be there are you insinuating that the guy learns "scarcity" just so she doesn't start getting ideas. You can't and shouldn't hold anyone responsible for how you feel or react in any situation. Women should learn to control their emotions and stop blaming men for all their issues. Capiche. ;)
ReplyDeleteLol! Great question David. Others might be wondering as well. It is not my story actually. I did say I was not blaming guys but there is a place for adjustment when you realize that your actions are not helping the other person and that's what I'm suggesting. Definitely not saying guys should be mean but they should be more aware of what their niceness is doing to the woman and if they don't like her like that then they should perhaps being more absent and not always go out of their way to help. Like someone suggested, I should probably write the "leading" woman version because women do it too in a different way.
DeleteRonke please do... maybe I can be termed the "leading woman". I'd like you to throw more light on why people act this way. Its so difficult not to care for your friends even of the opposite sex. You get involved because you want to ensure everything goes well with him and "gbam" he thinks you like him like "that".
DeleteSometimes women like me just like to be friends first and see how we get along... but we also want to care for all our friends....usually the thought that he's not even as worried about himself as you are makes us back off a bit. lols
If a woman chooses to be led on by her imagination, that's her mistake. There are nice men everywhere and I, for one, love having them around to do just what you complain about: to help out, entertain, and generally support my dreams. That's what being a good friend is. It sounds to me like you don't handle platonic relationships with the opposite sex very well.
ReplyDeleteSo you're not concerned about what it does to their feelings? Sounds a bit selfish to me especially when you say "generally support my dreams". It's actually not my story. I've seen guys do it to some girls and I alert the guy when I can. Quite the contrary, I do handle platonic relationships VERY well. P.S. Leave your name next time ;)
DeleteVery true! I've actually been a 'leading man' a couple of times. Now I never intended to 'lead' the ladies on both times, was just enjoying the friendships till they 'caught' feelings. I guess we guys just have to live with the fact that men & women think and process things differently :(
ReplyDeleteI've often heard women ask why guys can't just be close friends without 'trying something'. She says when she allows herself get close to a guy as a friend, he misunderstands and 'says something annoying'. Now we are hearing that when he's being the good close friend, he's leading her on, LOOOOOL!!. So what do we guys do? I say keep it simple, if u like a lady, show it, if u love her, shout it, if u don't send her, make it clear. If she chooses to interpret it in any other manner than intended, so be it. Invest the colossal amount of time and energy required to handle the complexities of a woman on the lady you call yours. Any other lady that you interact with that decides to 'think/feel/fantasize/get angry/complain/' about your simple innocent actions is so on her own. There'll always be complaints, as long as you're not doing anything morally wrong, ignore them all and be yourself. :)
ReplyDelete"...if u like a lady, show it, if u love her, shout it, if u don't send her, make it clear". I really like that Mek! It reminds me of a quote I heard recently: "If a guy likes you, you will know, if he doesn't, you'll be confused"! Thanks for sharing.
DeleteIn addition to agreeing with the others, I think Mek hit the nail on the head quite well. This is a classic example of when they say women don't know what they want, which many women have also said to me. Women complain daily about how they wish some guys could take hints and just be friends. They complain about the absence of gentlemen who can truly take a woman as she is and expect nothing more than friendship. Yet those same qualities of a guy being nice are the same ones that get us in trouble as leading a girl on?
ReplyDeleteI believe the default setting here should be to control how you react to outside stimuli. If the guys' actions are confusing you, then step up and ask him what the situation is. Yeah I said it, sometimes it's appropriate for women to step up in a dynamic such as this. Women keep relying on men to make the first move, take the lead, initiate this, initiate that, which is fine, but in cases such as these, if you want answers you go get them.
It's really not that big of a deal.
And furthermore consider this: the guy might like you back, he might just be waiting for what he takes as a clear indication that you might be interested in the same way. Always think about how you're projecting your emotions to him as well as how he does his to you.
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ReplyDeleteWo, Aderonke, God will bless you and give you a leading man. I am now counting at least 3 men who have spent all their time with me led me on with sweet nothings, and even demanded my devotion/ commitment. Only to turn around and be introduced to their main squeezes. I'm always thinking... 'when did he have the time to hook this up?'
ReplyDeleteOh, and, shebi we're friends now, so they don't think it's weird to have to call me to help understand or sort out 'relationship' issues. o__o.