Friday, April 20, 2012

Did You Marry the Wrong Person???

My friend invited me to a marriage talk the other day where a couple that’s been married for 24 years spoke candidly about their marriage experience. It was enlightening, refreshing, and fun! They spoke about everything from courtship (Gosh! A word we barely use these days!), sex (the woman shared something I wish I could repeat here but I’m too shy! LOL)*, finances, etc. They communicated very well with the audience but more importantly with each other. Even when they “called each other out” on stuff, you could tell neither of them was offended (of course they had probably agreed on what was permissible. Lol). There were so many take-away points from the session. Let me highlight a few:

Pre-Marriage Advice
  • Marry your friend
  • Marry someone with the same values
  • Ask yourself if you’re REALLY ready to get married
  • You must see potential in your spouse-to-be

Marriage Advice
  • Don’t let gadgets destroy your marriage! Pay attention to each other and don’t be so easily distracted. Turn off the phones!
  • Have “we” time
  • Pray together as often as you can
  • Take your wife’s financial advice. She stands to gain or lose if things do or don’t go right, so she will tell you the truth.
  • Women, when you become successful, still be submissive.
  • Men, when you become successful, remember the woman who stood beside you.
  • Younger men, drop the “get rich quick” mentality. There is a process to success.
  • Live within your means
  • Live where you can afford to live!
  • You must look attractive. Don’t let yourself go!
  • Sex has to be mutually satisfying
  • Let your spouse know how you’re helping relatives.

During the Q & A session, someone asked a question that REALLY got me thinking. Her question was “how do you know if you’ve married the wrong person”? The gist of the response to the question was that if your values don’t align, it’s the wrong person. This made me think and I asked my own question, which was “how do you define the wrong person”? Now, the reason I asked was because it SEEMS people nowadays simply up and get out of marriages because they are not “working” (excluding domestic violence reasons) and that was my point! Is it that the person is the “wrong” person or could it be that the relationship isn’t working because no one is putting in the work required to make it work. I’m thinking that perhaps there are a lot of problems in marriage that can be resolved (maybe not so easily) but couples decide the problems are not worth the work so they walk away instead, which would mean it’s not really about a person being “right” or “wrong”. Is this reasoning a possible explanation???

Everyone hopes and prays they marry the “right” person but if they become Mr. or Mrs. Wrong post the wedding, how do you define the “wrong” person they’ve become? How come they weren’t wrong before the wedding? Or were red flags ignored? How do people marry the “wrong” person who was once upon a time the “right” person? Is it really about someone becoming “wrong” or is it about how much work is being put into the marriage to ensure that things stay right?

What do you guys think? How do you define the “wrong” person, if you believe there is such a person?



*If enough of you insist, I might share what she said ;)

10 comments:

  1. young lady there is nothing like you married the wrong person. what were you looking at before marriage. After marriage the prayer point must change. you made your bed oya lie in it... unless of course the bed is trying to kill you... but seriously people take marriage too lightly. If God took His vows as we do nko? that is why people must LOOK B4 they LEAP OOO!!!!!

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    1. Lol... "unless of course the bed is trying to kill you".... which is ridiculous because if while you were laying it you saw the claws etc. you should not have laid it! LMHO

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  2. Femiok was right: you have to look before you leap. Boyfriend/Girlfriend or courtship tells you little about the reality of marriage. Things change, people change.

    My advice is never go into a relationship starry eyed - be a realist. It's easy for women to get caught up emotionally with someone, but you should never ever leave common sense and intuition behind in the process. Sometimes men and women see red flags about the person but choose to ignore them. If there are things that cause serious consideration, forget about marriage for now. People do not suddenly change after marriage, and never think you can change a person.

    A friend said to me years ago that she went to visit an elderly couple she knew when she was going to get married. The husband asked if she loved the man, she said yes. He said she should think of his best quality, then think of his worst - and ask herself if she can live with the latter.

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  4. "Women, when you become successful, still be submissive."
    Really? Last time I checked we lived in a world where no one should be submissive to anyone. That is what is wrong with marriages. Why isn't the man submissive? That is no way to have a loving EQUAL marriage.

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  5. Submissiveness is one way of looking at it if the person has your best interest in mind. However, if they are always looking out for "themselves" as "number one" I find it very hard to be submissive. It's an equal partnership anymore. Men are no longer raised to love and protect, and put their children and wives first. Women don't want to put up with a child on a game system 24/7, or just care about their own interest, not caring to raise their children, or give them direction and morals. I'm sorry but if the wife is the only one trying to compromise, sometimes divorce is the only answer. It's a sad state marriage has became. I'm sure there are times as the woman can be childish too, but I'm speaking from my own experience.....

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. It can be difficult if it feels like one person is doing all the work and that's why communication is key (and prayer to go with that). I think some of these issues can be detected before marriage and resolved before committing to the person. God help us!

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