Recognizing Relationship RED FLAGS!

Getting married and joining your life with another human being's life is one of the scariest and perhaps most life-altering experiences. It comes with many challenges but also joys - which should usually outweigh the challenges. It's exciting, thrilling, fascinating, and frightening all at the same time, right? Sometimes it's the best desicion a person can make. Other times it turns out to be a not so good decision. It is believed that most people who are divorced usually saw tell-tale signs showing them why they shouldn't get married to that particular person but they chose to ignore those signs a.k.a RED FLAGS.

Red Flags usually appear, I believe, as little, somewhat insignificant things the person says and/or does. You know, the occasional insult, push on the cheek, controlling behaviour, incompatible temperament, inconsiderate behaviour and gestures, etc. Sometimes it might be tricky dealing with red flags because you have to differentiate between when you're being paranoid or over-reacting and when you should actually pay attention. Many times we make excuses for people we love e.g. "maybe he's just in a bad mood", "perhaps, I wasn't being considerate", "she didn't really mean that", and it goes on and on. These excuses are sometimes true and necessary to make but when they are recurring, that's a red flag indicating red flags that need to be examined. Would you agree?

I usually ask married people, how they knew their husband (cos I usually ask female friends) was "the one" and the general responses are that they had peace about it, they can't explain it, etc. I strongly believe inner peace is helpful when dealing with red flags. If a relationship is a struggle and a person is always second-guessing him/herself or making excuses for things that happen in the relationship, that might be an indicator that there are red flags to pay attention to. Most people will agree that they've found themselves in a relationship that just wasn't healthy or happy. A lot of second-guessing, questioning, feeling inadequate and not good enough, compromising too much, losing self-confidence, etc. It is very important to pay attention when you are uncomfortable. Your gut is there for a reason. Sometimes the red flags aren't as easily detectable but a sense of discomfort about a certain thing or certain things the person says or does should be given some attention.

Nobody is perfect but we need to ask ourselves if we can live with the other person's weaknesses and behaviour forever? Some weaknesses can be harmful to the other party whether physically, verbally, or emotionally. Knowing that people (usually) don't change in marriage but rather their weaknesses are emphasized in marriage, we need to really be honest with ourselves and know when to let go. This becomes increasingly difficult for relationships that have lasted a long time because the parties feel invested and walking away would mean they've wasted all those years. Dude and girl, WALK AWAY! "Better a broken relationship than a broken marriage". If you stay in the relationship and get married, that time you didn't want to "throw away" will seem so minuscule when compared with the wahala a.k.a trouble that will be experienced in the marriage.

What do y'all think about red flags? What are some examples of red flags you've seen or experienced?


  1. Well put Aderonke. To further embellish this, I think one thing we all need to make sure we do is to BE OURSELVES in relationships. None of that rubbish where we form we are one way just to make sure we get the person, then once in marriage we show our true selves. There's someone for everyone so we should focus on letting our partners know who we are rather than changing who we are just so we can be with someone in particular.

  2. Hi ronke, thank you for this brilliant piece. I was in a LDR for over 18months. It was quite promising and full of hopes not until it began to get sour. We often quarelled, and sometimes it wasnt a happy relationship in the true sense of it, eventhough i believe it was the distance that didnt help . I loved her(and still do) so much and she said she does too, but she felt that the signs were not too good for us to continue. I felt (and still) feel so much pain and heartbreak. Now that we are in the same city, i always feel tempted to call her. She said back then that we can only be friends, but i cant imagine been "just friends" with someone i loved and still love, hence i kept a distance. Despite me trying to start a new relationship with another girl, I still think about her all the time but i dont know if she has feeliings for me anymore. Pls what do u suggest i do? Will appreciate your advise!

    1. Hi, well, she has told you she just wants to be friends so I guess you'll have to accept that. Tough but true. Don't bother her. Call her if you can handle just being friends. If you can't, you'll have to move on. Hope that helps. Cheers

  3. I havent gotten a reply! Would deeply appreciate one. Thanks gurl.

  4. Red Flags are just that a sign of danger....gut instincts can be very strong indeed before and during any relationships. An example of a red flag I have experienced is knowing or suspecting my man is having flirty conversations with other women yet swears blindly the sky is pink and that am paranoid. Thats exactly where the person deviating wants you to think that you're over reacting. But like is goes if it be quackinh like a duck then it IS a duck.

    Both sexes know the red flags all too well but comfort leaves us hostage. Its almost scenario of better the devil you know. Some relationships the red flags are there but one partner may be too insecure to leave, maybe the dependency on their significant is too great a risk to fore go its difficult but unless one takes charge of their situation red flags will always rule their relationship!

    My mother has always quoted this and I stand by it. No one can drink bitter medicine for you so if it doesnt taste righ either you dont drink or spit OUT!!


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